Why is it so Rough?

Just when life gets good why is it that it always comes crashing down? I can handle pain, rejection, and disappointment but I think I'd be able to handle it easier if there was a sign warning me that life's about to get a little shitty! My thoughts and emotions are so mixed right now that I don't even know how to explain myself. Prepare yourself for random venting.
I know I'm biased but I think I'm a solid friend, roommate, worker, etc. Why doesn't anyone else notice? My friends don't care about how I feel or why I feel that way. Sure they put on a front and act concerned but once I'm not in front of them I don't matter. Life got pretty easy last semester. I was with people all the time. I was a sturdy foundation for those who needed one. Random Acts of Kindness were how I was getting by and noticed by those around me. Now for some reason I decided, that wasn't my job. I didn't need to buy a relationship. Now I look back and think maybe I actually did. Now that I have backed off I am not wanted. I've always been aware of those kids throughout my life that didn't get invited places or did but only out of pity and I never realized how bad it actually felt. Now I understand.
It's sad when I'd rather sit in bed ALONE than see any of my friends. It's sad that I look forward to going to work because I'm around people that have to treat me with respect and because it gives me something to do. An excuse for not being able to see anyone. It's sad that when I see my friends and I try my hardest to not be seen by them. I've been watching from a distance. My group of friends are so happy!! I secretly wish I was apart of the happiness.
Lately I've been in a funk.. I can't sleep, all I think about is that tomorrow is never certain, how every little thing drives me completely crazy, and that no matter how hard I try to tell myself i'm better alone I WISH someone would just randomly ask me to do something. I'm afraid to leave school for the summer because I know I won't want to come back. This is not like the real world!!! People are toooo dramatic here! I admit I'm pretty dramatic but not in the sense of everything has a negative twist. People look at me and see me as the happy/funny girl who makes the mood lighten up. Only if they even knew about my past. Only if someone actually took time to listen. Even my "best" friend doesn't know me. I've always lived in a secret and I'm finally realizing it. Still I have no want to share it with any one. No one understands. No one will understand! Does the feeling End?
Rough roads pass. Some are long and some are short but in the end they'll smooth out it just takes patience. I try and tell myself to stick it out cause eventually it'll get better RIGHT?!? All I know is that I'd rather it stay the same then getting worse. I'll do my best to keep my chin up it's just easier said than done. What I really need to do is stop looking at what sucks in life and .....BE POSITIVE!!!

Just Sit Back and Think

I encourage you to take time out of your day to think. 5 minutes to be silent and write, sing, dance, take a nap! In those 5 minutes pick out 5 different thing that have made you feel good about yourself. Something that made you smile, something you accomplished, something beautiful, something that makes this specific day memorable!! Find Special things and don't dwell on the things that hurt or frustrated you! Push past those thoughts and fight to encourage yourself! If you've had a bad day tell God he'll do something to brighten it up! STAY POSITIVE!!!

Sometimes!

Sometimes....
I wish I had friends,
I wish I had friends and family,
I wish I had friends and family that cared about me as much as I care about them,
I wish I had understanding of the future.
I wish I had a strong enough Faith where I wouldn't question God .
I wish I had something different than what I have now.
I wish I had confidence in the world.

Its so easy to look at your life and see everything wrong about it... I have a really hard time looking for the uplifter that has occurred throughout my day. I feel like people don't understand what I try to share or how I express myself. I feel like life is a competition, a competition for the best job, or the most money, best voice, best family, or even best friend. The thing is with competitions, there's always a loser and a winner. It up to me whether I want to be the winner or loser! In the midst of life and the upsets of the world having a good attitude can make the atmosphere different. In all circumstances try to look at the Good... STAY POSITIVE!!!

I'm Done racing

F~ YOU will never know
R~ YOU will never know how it feels to be me
I~ YOU will never know what I think in the inside while i laugh on the outside
E~ YOU will never know how i'm changing for good while I watch you change for the bad
N~ YOU will never know that its hurts when I get slammed
D~ YOU will never know that i want us to be forever
S~ YOU will never know that I pray for you cause you would never consider doing it for me

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I want you to know I am thankful for YOU. Even though you will never know!

What are you? What are your dreams? Why do you act the way you do when no one approves? Do you see the way people look and stare? Do you understand how it feels to be the odd one out?
      I have an answer for each one of these questions and sadly I know they aren't the same as yours. I try, I try so hard to be one but it never works out. There's always that one that makes you change. Do you see that? It's alright I'll go back and and conform, then see you again where the same thing...it keeps running on. Know I love you! Know that I am changing and I wish you could too. Watching you go downhill is hard for me; I wanna chase after you but i'm afraid I might trip and fall. I know it's different and I'll do my best at playing it off but ME is not the I. I am having a hard time taking the jokes. But ME knows the jokes are hilarious. I know for a fact that where I am ME doesn't want to follow. I think what we do is wrong! But ME, well shit, that's the best part of my life. I am sorry for the change. Just know ME tries to get away.
    Try and understand it's not ME it's I that is done running the race. As of now it's not so easy trying to stay POSITIVE!!!

Is This Real?

Ever have the feeling that you lost your chance at something? I never had until this very night. I don't know if it's for real or not but my heart has broken. The problem is I've had so many chances and I've let them all slip away. Do I go ahead and express myself or do I keep it to myself? I honestly have no idea what to do. Nothing will change. Maybe it's a sign! Maybe it wasn't supposed to be. But now my journey is going to be a lot longer now that I don't have a plan. The Future can change and patience is all I can have now. In the midst of this confusion I'll stay POSITIVE!!!

Speed of light!

---Light travels at a constant, finite speed of 186,000 mi/sec. A traveler, moving at the speed of light, would circum-navigate the equator approximately 7.5 times in one second. By comparison, a traveler in a jet aircraft, moving at a ground speed of 500 mph, would cross the continental U.S. once in 4 hours.---
This blows my mind! How fast light is and how we don't think about how interesting our world today is. Without light there's no such thing as color. Without light the world would always be dark. In my world when teenagers are in a high tech world light is everything. Concerts! Cities! Computers! Movies! Christmas! When coming encounter with "cool lights" do we stop? Stop and think "I wonder how fast that's traveling"? NOT AT ALL! taking things for granted now is a lifestyle. Little things have so much power behind them it can make them unstoppable!!
I'm back at college now not worrying about anything except understanding classes and getting good grades. But there's always more to life than just that! There's community, people, struggles, emotion! And all of this comes with being in small quarters with others. Living with 4 other girls isn't hard but it is a full struggle. Today I got in a small argument with a roommate over a desk? Tell me that's not foolish! Learning to relate to one another can save a friendship or even create one. But it's the little things like the speed of light and knowing how to react or not to react in a certain situation, that can turn into a huge blessing. So next time you turn off the lights before you fall asleep notice there is no color around you. It's all black and white! Could you handle a dark world everyday? Thank God for what you have and always stay POSITIVE!!!

Ever Regret?

I did it! I can't take it back-time has passed and the only thing ahead is the future. I apologize for not seeing it until now. Why didn't you say anything? and if you did i didn't understand. There's only so many memories that can be made! have i taken the opportunities for us away.

Summer is wonderful why do I throw it away? Do you understand? Do you see what I'm trying to say? I miss you and I haven't even left! This is how it feels. This is always how it feels. abandonment-not from you; from me!

why do i realize things when it's to late? I'll never get that time back no one will. No one ever will! Life is to short for not spending it with those you care about and love! When is my time? When is yours and yours and yours? It can all be taken away in a blink of an eye! Time goes slow when you don't realize the fun and enjoyment you are experiencing.

Yet looking back knowing you wont get a second chance changes your perspective around, causing you to see how fragile and fast life and time can be. I hope you had a spectacular time and I wish for you that you or anyone else will never have regrets! look at what you did and not what you missed stay POSITIVE!!!