I'm Done racing

F~ YOU will never know
R~ YOU will never know how it feels to be me
I~ YOU will never know what I think in the inside while i laugh on the outside
E~ YOU will never know how i'm changing for good while I watch you change for the bad
N~ YOU will never know that its hurts when I get slammed
D~ YOU will never know that i want us to be forever
S~ YOU will never know that I pray for you cause you would never consider doing it for me

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I want you to know I am thankful for YOU. Even though you will never know!

What are you? What are your dreams? Why do you act the way you do when no one approves? Do you see the way people look and stare? Do you understand how it feels to be the odd one out?
      I have an answer for each one of these questions and sadly I know they aren't the same as yours. I try, I try so hard to be one but it never works out. There's always that one that makes you change. Do you see that? It's alright I'll go back and and conform, then see you again where the same thing...it keeps running on. Know I love you! Know that I am changing and I wish you could too. Watching you go downhill is hard for me; I wanna chase after you but i'm afraid I might trip and fall. I know it's different and I'll do my best at playing it off but ME is not the I. I am having a hard time taking the jokes. But ME knows the jokes are hilarious. I know for a fact that where I am ME doesn't want to follow. I think what we do is wrong! But ME, well shit, that's the best part of my life. I am sorry for the change. Just know ME tries to get away.
    Try and understand it's not ME it's I that is done running the race. As of now it's not so easy trying to stay POSITIVE!!!

Is This Real?

Ever have the feeling that you lost your chance at something? I never had until this very night. I don't know if it's for real or not but my heart has broken. The problem is I've had so many chances and I've let them all slip away. Do I go ahead and express myself or do I keep it to myself? I honestly have no idea what to do. Nothing will change. Maybe it's a sign! Maybe it wasn't supposed to be. But now my journey is going to be a lot longer now that I don't have a plan. The Future can change and patience is all I can have now. In the midst of this confusion I'll stay POSITIVE!!!

Speed of light!

---Light travels at a constant, finite speed of 186,000 mi/sec. A traveler, moving at the speed of light, would circum-navigate the equator approximately 7.5 times in one second. By comparison, a traveler in a jet aircraft, moving at a ground speed of 500 mph, would cross the continental U.S. once in 4 hours.---
This blows my mind! How fast light is and how we don't think about how interesting our world today is. Without light there's no such thing as color. Without light the world would always be dark. In my world when teenagers are in a high tech world light is everything. Concerts! Cities! Computers! Movies! Christmas! When coming encounter with "cool lights" do we stop? Stop and think "I wonder how fast that's traveling"? NOT AT ALL! taking things for granted now is a lifestyle. Little things have so much power behind them it can make them unstoppable!!
I'm back at college now not worrying about anything except understanding classes and getting good grades. But there's always more to life than just that! There's community, people, struggles, emotion! And all of this comes with being in small quarters with others. Living with 4 other girls isn't hard but it is a full struggle. Today I got in a small argument with a roommate over a desk? Tell me that's not foolish! Learning to relate to one another can save a friendship or even create one. But it's the little things like the speed of light and knowing how to react or not to react in a certain situation, that can turn into a huge blessing. So next time you turn off the lights before you fall asleep notice there is no color around you. It's all black and white! Could you handle a dark world everyday? Thank God for what you have and always stay POSITIVE!!!

Ever Regret?

I did it! I can't take it back-time has passed and the only thing ahead is the future. I apologize for not seeing it until now. Why didn't you say anything? and if you did i didn't understand. There's only so many memories that can be made! have i taken the opportunities for us away.

Summer is wonderful why do I throw it away? Do you understand? Do you see what I'm trying to say? I miss you and I haven't even left! This is how it feels. This is always how it feels. abandonment-not from you; from me!

why do i realize things when it's to late? I'll never get that time back no one will. No one ever will! Life is to short for not spending it with those you care about and love! When is my time? When is yours and yours and yours? It can all be taken away in a blink of an eye! Time goes slow when you don't realize the fun and enjoyment you are experiencing.

Yet looking back knowing you wont get a second chance changes your perspective around, causing you to see how fragile and fast life and time can be. I hope you had a spectacular time and I wish for you that you or anyone else will never have regrets! look at what you did and not what you missed stay POSITIVE!!!

Hear and See

There are just some days that are like that. Everything that could possibly go wrong does. Friends are mad at you along with parents and even the dumb dog. People say not to hold in frustration or anger or any feelings for that matter, because at the right moment they all come out eventually (sometimes in the worst places). In the world there are many ways to show frustration! Yelling, fighting, crying, and my favorite a lift of a finger.



It's neat to me how this small gesture gets the point across very clearly. In cars, fights going on across a high school class room, or even when it's sneaky behind someones back, it's alway there. But even with out doing or seeing it...doesn't IT ever feel like life throws you a curve ball, stands by the dugout and just give you a good strong middle finger when you strike out? That's how I feel today. No one has given me this rude gesture and I surly haven't given it to anyone; but today feels like life is out to get me. In a few short (long) days I'm off to Oklahoma to visit a friend and her family, to see where she grew up. I'm so excited to get out of this dreadful town full of stupid battles no one can or will ever win. First off there is nothing to do here so people go around and make this sort of "drama" to keep the town interesting and "up to date" with the new things. By leaving and going to college in a different state; I feel like there's no time for this silly childhood behavior (even though it tends to sneak in) to keep things rollin. As I know I'm not the most mature but I do know how to see when things are getting out of control. While going through these hard times learning and realizing how you don't want to act has made realize that leaving this place was the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I praise God for the opportunity to do so. "When life knocks you down you have the choice to get back up" as said by the master Jackie Chan in the new movie Karate Kid. So even though today wasn't at all what I expected and it has knocked me for a good hard loop I am the only person that can choose rather to fall and whine or get up and continue the fight. Days like mine happen to everyone and no matter how rough it gets and how worthless you feel the decision is yours are you going to stay down? Sleep on it give the anger and frustration a day to simmer down keep your head up and always remember to stay POSITIVE!!!

Sun will always Shine

Even though the sky is grey and the mood all around is tense the sun is always shining above! Last night I traveled about twenty minutes to watch my best friend sing with her choir from California. I went excited to see her after 3 1/2 months and left feeling broken. I learned that she might be working at a camp for the entire summer, which is wonderful and she'd be amazing working with kids. But it hit me, whenever I have a problem I turn to her with some sort of ensurance that she provides, and without her there who do I turn to? But does she? Does she have everything I need? Getting through with my freshman year of college I learned something very valuable. You need friends like my best friend to get through life but you also need God. Being down in my faith has shown me that I need it more than anything. Even though my best friend has good to say I need more than just that. A couple of days ago I talked to 2 girls that said they wish they had one BEST friend.. It made me blessed to know I do have that in my life. Even though I was sad to hear she might not be in C town for the summer I'm thankful! tHANKFUL i HAVE HER IN MY LIFE AT ALL, THANKFUL i HAVE A CAR i CAN VISIT HER IN, tHANKFUL THAT SHE (NO MATTER WHERE SHE IS) WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME. Another thing that makes me down...one of my newer but close friends I met at college (my roommate) has moved 17 hrs away instead of being only 5. I truly hope she has a wonderful time but I am going to miss her dearly! So as I sit here in Colorado and see the grey sky and think of those who will be gone and away for the summer I just remember summer is full of oppertunities and fun. And no matter how gloomy the sky may be the sun is always shining and I always need to stay POSITIVE!!!

Gloomy

As I look outside the color grey surrounds my every thought. There are ducks on the pond and geese in the air. Today is a wonderful Tuesday. The mist hits my face as I walk to class. The sping sowers are here in BEAUTIFUL Colorado. Today is 420! The day people go buy a sack of green and smoke all day to relax. Boulder, Co isn't far. I want to go see friends but they grey sky makes me sleepy. As I sit in the library of my University I wanna give thanks. Thanks to God for putting me here. The freinds I've made are ones that'll last a lifetime. So even though the day is calm and gloomy, I'll put on a BRIGHT smile live life and be POSITIVE!!!

So Far Away

Where are you? I don't know who you are. I feel like a young chlid waiting by a window to see your face. The texts have stopped and the friendship feels like it is dieing off. Will it be back to normal when we see eachother? I see her writing you and you responding. Maybe it's jelousy but I know she's trying to steal you. The problem is that you havn't seen it yet. You know who are and I want us to be back to normal! I can't tell you straight up cause I'm not ready to arguge. Just take this and let it sit in your confussed mind. When you're sad I will always be here for you but it's your job to to realize that. Will you find a new me? Cause I'll never be able to replace you. You are my BEST FRIEND! I love and miss you dearly. I miss the sound of your voice and the comfort of your laugh. Please Please feel free to talk to me. My phone is always on. When your ringtone goes off my heart becomes giddy with joy. I honeslty hate being so far away from you. When we are together I know we are loved as a team. When we are apart I feel like I have more room to fail. I miss you!!!! Our time is almost here. i'll try and stay POSITIVE!!!

ALONE

As humans we all feel a sense of loneliness. The feeling of being unwanted eats away at our souls. Being left out of something hurts everyone. Lately I have been feeling this abandonment from people around me. Should I let it get to me? No, but the feeling doesn't leave. Should I talk it out? Yes, but that always seems to make it worse. Whether I sit in my room and not think about it or go say something, someone is going to feel bad and the situation will get blown out of proportion. In my particular instance it's more of jealously. This is something else we all face in our lifetimes. How do we fix it? That is something I ask myself everyday when I notice they are hanging out. Did I do something wrong? If you have a problem with someone talk to them. Explain why! Share with them the anger/frustration so that person can change or at least be aware of what they are doing. Another question I ask my self is Why! Why do you act so differently around me than you do the other person? Who is the real you? I've seen so many different sides of these people I don;t know if I've come to enjoy the right personality. We used to be together all the time and now I'm not apart of your daily feelings. I am nothing to you! I'm wasting my time trying to impress you. I just want to be apart of your life and I feel like every time I see you together I get pushed away little by little. The one thing I can do is change my mind set and stay POSITIVE!!!